theblackdostoyevsky

What’s the best way to meet new people while traveling?

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I don’t appreciate this prompt. I don’t like traveling. I don’t like meeting new people.

Traveling is a chore, and the eye is not satisfied with seeing. I’ve been a few places, and the juice is rarely worth the squeeze. The cost. The packing. The shuffle and hustle. The crowds. The strange accommodations. The disorientation. The scammers. The language barriers. The cost. Did I say that already?

There’s only one thing that redeems the inconvenience of literally everything that involves traveling: the scale. Seeing the Grand Canyon in person is much more majestic than seeing it in a photo. You can’t capture that level of depth in a two-dimensions. The sheer size of the Colosseum. The Taj Mahal. The Pyramids of Giza. The overwhelming, sickening sweetness of Hawaii’s beauty.

And yet, it wears off. Rather quickly, in fact. We cling desperately to the grandeur through the photographs and others’ half-hearted, obligatory astonishment at them, but we know all along that the moment we averted our eyes from that great sight it would be forever lost to the labyrinth of our memories. All of the preparation, all of the consternation, all of the disorientation, to buy a moment. That’s what I mean when I say that the juice ain’t worth the squeeze. I’ll die just a pleased having never seen Mount Rushmore, or the Eiffel Tower.

It makes me feel badly, though, for those folks all raising their phones everywhere they go. I pity them, because they haven’t yet been honest with themselves about the fact that that video is going to be buried in their archives until they run low on phone storage, after which they’ll upload it to a larger memory bank, delete it from the smaller, and it’ll still sit like forgotten merchandise in an Amazon fulfillment center until AI decides that living in the present is best for humans and unilaterally deletes your entire digital life from the cloud. And even if you do go back and tap the video, you’ll immediately realize that your actual memory of the event and the video on the phone were identical, because you even witnessed the reality of the moment through the screen.

So, why spend the money or the time on what you can google image search? That’s all you’re going to see anyways.

Now, meeting new people is a little different. I like people. I love them actually. I just don’t like meeting them when they’re new. Like I don’t like the first month after buying a new phone. There’s too much runway. Too much learning curve to get to the good stuff. I like to lead with my weaknesses and flaws, to dead the suspense.

“Hey, I believe words are important, so mean what you say or I’m going to spend a lot of time asking you clarifying questions while you’re just trying to get to the end of your story. So, please be clear.”

“Yo, I don’t pick up the phone when people call unless I want to talk. Calling me is like sending out the bat signal.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m easily offended by people who insult my intelligence. I know when you’re lying, I just don’t care to waste the time proving it to you. If you love me, you won’t lie to me. If you don’t love me, why do you care so much to lie to me?”

“Pleasure’s mine. My name is Bryan. I have a new life in Christ. I’m in recovery from substance abuse, adultery, codependency, anger, fear of man, pride, impatience, pornography addiction, gluttony . . .”

Nobody who’s had old wine prefers the new. I’d rather spend time with my old friends than invest the time making new ones. In fact, I can’t even imagine a scenario where I’d meet someone so incredible that I’d be attracted to building something new with them without being suspicious of my own motives. I’d be all the time wondering whether or not I was trying to fill a void with this person, or whether or not I was trying to use them for some talent they possessed, or lusting to envy being associated with them, or thinking they could be a part of a network that would ultimately benefit my ambition. I’m really asking, what’s the impetus behind building new friendships after, say, 35 years old? We can hang out, get lunch, talk on the phone a couple hours, sure, but if you call me to bail you out of jail, am I dropping that ten percent? Am I gonna commute you to and from the airport after four solid sessions of acquaintanceship? Am I gonna help you move?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done it for people I’ve met after 35, but it’s kind of a pain in the ass. I enjoy helping and serving. But there’s this nagging trepidation in the back of my mind the entire time: You’ve gone and done it now. You’re on the list. Forever.

I told my wife a couple of weeks ago, and this is gonna sound patently terrible, but it slipped out so fast and so naturally that it couldn’t have been a lie. I said, “I value people, but I don’t value being in relationship with them.”

Ouch. Because I meant that. Relationships are hard work, like keeping a plant. If you don’t worship that thing it’ll die more quickly than it’ll grow. I’ve got parents, a wife, four children, old friends I talk to once or twice a year, new ones who, because they’re new, I speak with more frequently. Relationships are always a tax. I wanna nap but I gotta return this phone call and be on the line for an hour, catching up, often longer. And don’t let me get to three or four voicemails unchecked. That’s enough to make me lay flat.

Scenic route to an answer, I know, but I got you. What’s the best way to meet new people while traveling?

Don’t try to meet new people. Mind your own business. Consider everywhere your feet take you as “traveling”, and if you ponder the paths of your feet well enough, if you stay present enough, someone will eventually speak to you, or you’ll eventually speak to someone. And when you do it will be with such an ease and authenticity that they won’t be able to help responding in kind. You’ll connect for a moment, maybe for a few. Now here’s the important part: Then let it go. Don’t try to hang on to that moment. Don’t ask for their number. Don’t schedule a coffee date. Don’t yearn to make the moment last or build it into something more. Let it pass. Let it die where it stood. You’ll always remember them, however briefly you knew them, and they will, too, because in that moment you were not looking for anything and neither were they. You had no blind intention to use them or dangle them like a charm upon the bracelet of your life experience. You had no holes that needed filling. You were simply walking and gently bumped into another universe and said hello. No need to explore. No need to possess. After all, to construct a monument unto or upon a memory is nothing more than idolatry in disguise. What’s in you is in them; the moment proved it. Now, move on. If it’s supposed to stick, you’ll meet again. And the next time, they’ll be the least “new” person you’ve ever met.